the L word
so, i’m taking a convo class now
in a you-know-what english course, the one that has natives speaker
and.. i was being told that the class i took, which is the convo class, wasn’t a convo before
it was real english
and a thought just pop out in my head *thanks god it’s still work, normally, i’m not normal, remember?
maybe.. they change their class for me
just for me
even not all the member like to change *i could say that she doesn’t like the convo class, but still, she keeps doing it
and, the worst part.. i didn’t do well
i just keep silent, not talking.. in a convo class
it’s idiot
like, they’re so kind, having a different class so i can take part
and i just waste it
like, they change it for nothing
because i make no improvement, just sit there, listen to everything, but no talk
it’s just like, “hello, it’s a convo class, not a silent class, please”
and i feel terribly bad about it, to them
it’s embarrassing being among them
because they are so smart, and nice, very nice
and i’m the worst at that class
yes, i’m the Loser one
when ‘be yourself’ become just another quotes…
messed up
yeah i messed up everything
“it’s because i’m tired”, that was just an excuse, i admit
still don’t get why did it end up like that
i mean, i still have my smile at 6
but then it just turn up in to ‘worst’ when i get there
is it a ‘defense’? a shock? a lack of confidence? or simply just because starving?
i hate those reasons
just made me look more idiot, like a super massive loser
i wish, yeah i wish, cause there is nothing that i could do, rite?
i wish i could be anyone else
anyone but me, anyone who respect herself so much
anyone who alwasy have a bunch of confidence
who really trust her own power
who know what she want and how to get it
ah it looks like a stranger
wishing that i could turn back time and clean up the mess i’ve made
i miss old days when the only thing i have to care about is my dolls
escape
yeah, i think i’m trying to escape from something that i must done
this ‘lazy’ thing has poisoned me, ruin all my plan to work with that freakin’ paper
i havent finish anything, and they keep chasing after me
but what i’m doing is just hang out with my notebook, complaining and make some excuses about ‘ran out of inspiration’
maybe i lost my mind
left behind
phisically, it’s holiday, of course
no class, no assignments, no exams
but mentally, it’s even harder than ‘campus time’
with the pressure, and everything else
what pressure?? that must be something you ask
well, when you see everybody else do hard working for ‘future’, everybody but you
for me that’s a pressure
seeing them, keep moving forward, do something for their life
and watching me, just stay here, do nothing, get no chance
it’s just like everybody’s going to leave me
and i am the one who left behind
alone
useless
forgotten
what can i do to fix it?????
i don’t say i hate it, but today is absolutely not my favorite day
cost of trust
remember when i said somethin about trust? in the previous post?
well now, all i can say, it’s fake, i’ve been cheated, they lie to me
and all the comfort thing that i’ve ever said, it’s just the sign, the sign that i’ve been cheated, sign to make me alert from anything big, and bad, that gonna happen
and it’s really happen
and i dont notice it, the sign you know
now i just feel bad. like betrayed, by my mind, my feeling
it’s idiot
and confusing
even until now, i still dont know which one is right
perhaps, the one i take, well i hope…
choices
life is a choice
good or bad, cool or geek, active or passive, open or close
it’s all about choices
and it’s your right to choose
no true or false answer
well, it should be
but people judging
like they always do
you have no right to interupt, or contradict
not fair, of course, life is never fair
and that’s the rule
take it, or leave it
now that’s all the choices you have, in life
no reason
dont need a reason to love something. . or hate something
it just did
and that’s the way it is
well i think. .
